Mmmmmm... I love when the ambiance of the weather perfectly matches my emotional and/or physical needs. I woke up this morning - 6:15 am, courtesy of my baby alarm - hearing the rain pattering outside my window. It was so comforting; I needed an afternoon to be sleepy and cozy.
I guess I had a bad night a few days ago and just haven't caught up to it yet or something... and Wednesdays are my busy days. I started teaching a small class of homeschool kids every Wed morning, with this Classical Education program. They are adorable little 3rd Graders and I love them, but it effectively zaps alot of my energy for the day!
I am getting a nice breeze in the open windows right now, as I sit cross-legged on the floor typing this up, letting Will crawl all over me! He is so intense; it is really incredible to me that he is crawling at 6 months (well, almost 7!)... but he is so very strong and fast I can't contain my pride and joy!
I turned on "The Time Traveler's Wife" to have in the background... it always inspires my creative side. Its so haunting, you know? I told Jason - I think the hold that story has on me has something to do with the moments... its all about moments. Henry's "condition" makes it so that his life is not a linear timeline of events... he doesn't have the luxury of losing track of time. His life is rather a scattered collection of moments that deeply affect him. Moments of tenderness and joy; devastating heartbreak and quiet lonesomeness; hope, victory and timeless beauty. Seeing his graceful mother on a subway years after her death... talking to his pert 5 year old daughter months before she is born... slowdancing with his wife at their wedding, after seeing her in the meadow as a small girl.
Don't we all try to live like this? Don't we all long for that essence of a full life?... a life without mediocrity, without the "busy-ness" of nothing essentially important; without wasted moments? Don't we each desire that awareness of how achingly we love the people in our lives? How we long to make each second last? And yet we are lulled out of this purpose with everyday drudgery; with selfishness; with that false sense of security that life must always go on just as it is now...
I look at my baby son... I feel like he was just a red-faced, tiny little newborn just a moment ago... and I blinked. I hate knowing that the rest of his entire life will feel just like that to me - a blink.
Is this part of our natural longing, our readiness, for eternity? Is the strange beauty of "The Time Traveler's Wife" perhaps a hint of what our lives will be when time no longer marches on in a linear direction? You know, in Heaven?
Something I also love about this movie is the emphasis it places on the personhood of Henry and his loved ones. He is able to see them past, present and future... as a whole... something the rest of us cannot do while our loved ones are living. When my favorite Aunt passed away two years ago, I felt that wave of realizing I could finally look at her as a finished book. I could appreciate the passionate way she lived her life, I could see in retrospect what a saint she really was. Why can't we do this to the living? Why are we so unable to stop passing judgment? To allow bitterness, jealousy, irritation, or disrespect to poison our perspective of those around us?
It seems that it takes death to be able to appreciate each person as a whole; to be seen and loved as a complete person, one must first pass into eternity. I think that is only a natural part of our human condition. But it is still hard to accept!
I want to pray harder for the grace to embrace the present moment; to be more keenly aware of Jason and Will and all the people I love. I want to already begin to love as I will love in eternity. Is this the "perfection", the "sanctity" we must strive for on earth?
Labels: beauty, eternity, life, motherhood, passion, perspective, present moment, something true