Wow. This feels weird, y'all. It is like that feeling I got when we sold our home, the first one I can really remember; we did the final walk-through after the movers had left... I was 9, and I will never forget the echoes, the empty feeling, the deep silence.
That's it. What I am feeling... silence.
If you were surprised I suddenly felt the need to make my blog private, I was even more so. I suppose it started when my boss said something to me during a work lunch about having read my blog and I couldn't get that out of my head. My boss - who is so completely different from me or any of the people I imagined reading my thoughts... and if she had checked it out on a whim, that meant I should expect the same from our clients... and my writers... Its such a different audience, and one I am proud to approach professionally and with complete confidence - despite the fact that I don't even own Lululemon, much less shop at Neiman's, workout at Carolina Barre and Core (for $300 a month), or even get pedicures. [I have never, ever had one].
But I know I'm a good writer, and I am learning I have a knack with sales and marketing, so I have felt comfortable in my own skin with this job and these people.
And then I imagine them reading my blog. I'm not ready for that. Much as I hated the idea of virtually hiding my blog, I hated even more the idea of "branding myself" or tweaking my "image" - going back and meticulously deleting posts that didn't fit whatever I decided that was; or changing the way I write in the future.
I liked better the idea of refreshing who that is with no audience. Except for you guys. :)
I don't see myself leaving it private forever. I hope I will regain confidence to eventually publish it again. The extrovert in this SAHM is already missing all the friends I could be making - the best and loveliest gift from this little blog in the last four years.
And mainly I hate wasting the $100 I spent two (3?) years ago on hiring a real graphic designer to make it pretty. Lol.
So life lately... is really... what's the word? I loathe saying "busy". Only because I have totally used that in the insecure way of trying to sound and feel important. I'm SO busy, its like, crazy.
photo c/o Will, naturally
But lets put it this way... I realized sitting in Mass yesterday, when my 3 year old opened my wallet, I have two checks in there from 10 days ago, that I seriously thought I had already taken to the bank and deposited. How do you forget that for an entire week?!!!
I bought a Simplified Planner
which I am already obsessed with - though I can't use
it until January which drives me nuts.
I need that help to be organized - the ability to fill in all the hours of each day, and see at a glance what I need to be doing for the day, week, month. The dots in my iCal do not cut it!
Anyway. Jason thinks I was totally duped into paying way more for this thing than it could possibly be worth - one look at it from by my husband who works in publishing, he says "You realize this thing cost them TOPS $5 to make, right?" [I paid $58 for this thing.]
But I refuse to feel bad. I know it will keep my stuff organized and together and be a pretty way to help me stay on top of everything. And we all know at this point what I will do for prettiness.
Anyway. Back to mah lyfe. I am busier than I prefer to be. But its all things that I have the option of whether or not to stress over. My people-pleasing, suck-up-y oldest-child nature tends to stress entirely too much over everything when it involves the expectations of other people... but I have been reminding myself daily - "Does this really matter?" and if that isn't enough to snap me out of stressing, I walk myself through the worst case scenario. And its never that bad.
Also, running. This is the time of year all runners run for, isn't it? The air gets crisp, the humidity dissipates, the scenery changes. Its gorgeous here in Charlotte and will continue to be more and more so for another two months. I get in about one run stroller-free on the weekends, and somehow I manage to psyche myself up enough to get out the door with my big ole double BOB full-o-boy 3 times a week. I can feel a huge difference in my stress levels by getting out there and running as hard as possible for as long as the little guys will let me.
And I'm doing pretty good, considering.
So I actually have a whole list of things I am truly excited to write about now that I have this feeling of silence on the blog. Its odd, but tells me I did the right thing taking it off the internets for now. I hope to find my voice again, to gain some confidence that how I am viewed is how I see myself (always a tricky thing, no?), and to rebrand myself. Haha jk. Just to find peace in my authenticity, to lose that self-conscious feeling that was creeping in.
Thank you for wanting to follow along. I was truly not expecting anyone to care. You made me feel so loved. I hope I can return the feeling! Consider yourselves VIPs to the behind-the-scenes of my family's life :). I know you will try to not let it go to your heads. ;)